you can’t answer ‘nothing’

Ok, world. You don’t like me and I don’t like you.

(World meekly pipes up “I like you”)

You do?

Once a year, on our birthday, everyone wishes us a “Happy Birthday” and poses a horrifying, paralyzing question to us.

“What are you gonna do?”
“What are you doing for your birthday?”

And they want an answer.

This is a level beyond casual weather conversation which can be brushed off by a “crazy, right? It’s raining needles filled with heroin in July? Global warming.”

It’s beyond “What are you doing this weekend.”

What are you doing on the day that simultaneously represents your beginning and ending?

What are you gonna do?

2015: The Paul Awakens

You’re not going to believe this, but I felt that Facebook’s “Your Year In Review” did not present me with an adequate representation of my year’s experiences that I wanted to share with everyone.

“Paul, it’s for fun. Its not supposed to be accurate.”

“Paul, it’s a free social media platform, what more do you want from it?”

“Paul, are you a bit of a narcissist?”

Yes, yes, and a resounding YES, internal voice (and everyone reading this)!

But, this is my site that I pay $20 a year for, and you chose to not hide me on Facebook/Twitter/Livejournal, so here we are.

One big obvious thing I did this year was that I ran. You all know this. Its an unescapable part of me now. I run. I tell people about it. If you feel I do so too much, I’m sorry, but a huge part of what keeps me doing it is sharing that experience. It makes me accountable. Or at least in my head it does. I’m training for the New York City Marathon now, after qualifying this past year by completing New York Road Runner’s 9+1 program. I did a lot of running, and I’m going to do a whole lot more. Running has given me something I didn’t know I was missing, and I’m grateful for it. Thanks to my mother-in-law Michele for getting me into it, thanks to my wife Chrystal for supporting me through every run, and thanks to everyone who bears with my non-stop running talk/posting.

Another big to-do from this year was that I completed a Certificate in Marketing program at NYU’s School of Continuing Professional Studies. Taking these classes has really rounded me out professionally, and given me a lot of organizational tools to better do my job. I also got to meet a ton of interesting people from all over the world, as NYU draws in a lot of international students. I didn’t expect that, nor did I expect to enjoy going back to school so much. Seriously. I still have nightmares about needing to take one more English class to finish high school and/or college, but I enjoyed the heck out of this. Thanks to Justin and to Nice Shoes for putting me on this path.

Completely Normal, the feature film that I cowrote, made its way through a number of festivals this year. Congrats to Rob, Andrew, Molly, Seth, Jenny, Geneva, Whitney, Jim, all the various Chris’s (there’s about 18 of them altogether ), Harnick, Yost, Mike, Heather, Danielle, David, and anyone else who I’m missing who made this awesome film. Collaborating on this film was a unique experience that I didn’t fully appreciate as it was happening, and I’m incredibly grateful to have been a part of it. I can’t wait til everyone can see what we all made, and a shoutout once again to Rob for being the unstoppable force (he’s a directorial Juggernaut!) that made it happen.

I have also realized that I’m pretty damn self-absorbed.

I have been extremely fortunate throughout my 31 years on this Earth, and if I’ve learned anything in this past year, its that I’ve taken a lot, and I haven’t given much back. I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about time. About listening. About helping/volunteering/service. Whatever actions I can take to put a little bit back into the world. I can be a better husband, son, brother, nephew, uncle, cousin, friend, coworker, neighbor. I can be a better Paul.

I know that writing this very post is inherently selfish. I want to feel better about myself. But this is the world we live in, where selfish thoughts are posted publicly on a regular basis. I’m seriously going back and forth on whether to hit publish. But I’m going to. I need this out there to hold myself accountable. So that a year from now (or a few months from now when I google myself), I can check to see if I’ve put anything positive back into the world.

Runnerversary

Its about the good pain.

The pain that feels like accomplishment instead of weariness.

Its about the hunger.

The appetite that arises from the damn near absolute expenditure of energy rather than boredom or routine.

Its about the loss of control.

The feeling of overwhelming, physical, emotions that take me to the verge of both tears and laughter.

Two years ago, I ran my first 5K on the 4th of July. I didn’t like running. I didn’t know why people ran. I only knew it was something I had to try. If only to prove that I could.

Now I’ve lost track of the 5Ks and 10Ks. I’ve done three half marathons. I’m training for a full marathon. I’ve volunteered at a run. These are things I didn’t see myself doing at any point in my life prior to two years ago, and I certainly didn’t even imagine half of them when I finished that first run. But I’m a different person now. I mean, that’s true of all of us. We change a little bit with every moment, but I can truly say that running has made me a different person. It’s brought me to a place where I truly feel that I’m myself.

I probably talk about it too much. I’ve probably invited way too many of you to do a run with me. But some of you have, and some of you maybe know what I’m talking about. Or you at least have the thing that makes you feel this way.

So yeah. I didn’t think I’d ever say “I’m a runner.” Because moreso than any previous aversion to exercise, I’m also the kind of pretentious asshole who likes to claim that they “don’t like labels.”

But yeah, I’m two years older. I’ve run quite a few miles. Lets dial back my pretension a bit.

I’m a runner. More than anything else, that’s who I am and what I do. The people I run with, my family. We used to call ourselves “Team Beer and Cupcakes.”

Now we’re “Team Don’t Die.” Because its not just about rewarding yourself with indulgences because you burned off some calories. Nor is it just about living a little longer. Its about pushing as hard as you can and not dying while doing so. Its about FEELING it. Feeling and physically knowing that you accomplished something amazing. Beyond what any t-shirt or medal or long-winded blog post can remind you.

Its about the good pain.

Say Hello To The Bad Guy…

When talking about comics with people that aren’t into comics a book that comes up a lot is Sandman. Sandman is, in my experience, the most recommended book to people who don’t like comics, haven’t read a comic, don’t take comic books seriously, or think comics are ____________ (insert sweeping generalization). It’s a great comic, but hey, it’s 2014. There’s a new sheriff in town.

In comic form.

There’s a new good fantasy comic you can give to any random person on the street is what I’m trying to say. Loki. Except it’s not really just one series. Nor is it really one continuous vision by a single creative team. It’s a story that has spanned three years, and about three and a half different comic books published by Marvel.

In 2011, Marvel did a convoluted crossover thing-y called Siege. Loki died. Thor brought him back. As a kid. A kid that was seemingly innocent. Kid Loki got his own series: Journey Into Mystery. Issue #622 of that series set Loki on a path to figure out why he did some bad things that led to his death and rebirth.

I’m simplifying in the interest of not spoiling, but Loki didn’t want to be Loki anymore. He sacrificed who and what Loki was in order to craft a new Loki. BUT, as Journey Into Mystery came to a conclusion, and all of us had fallen in love with Young Loki the hero, we learned that the Loki that was acted in a manner that was as selfish as we’d expect from a trickster god.

Loki made a backup. He was working the long con and in ensuring that a version of himself would be resurrected with a clean slate, he also made sure that the backup of Loki-Classic could replace New-Loki once all the pieces were in place. He wanted the illusion of change.

The illusion of change. It’s a key factor in comic books, and in ongoing fiction in general. Characters die. They change costumes. They swap minds. But ultimately, they revert back to what we expect them to be. There’s a reset button that’s ready to be pushed when sales dip.

Loki can’t avoid being Loki. Marvel won’t let him. More importantly we won’t let him. We’re not comfortable with actual change, in fiction or in real life. It’s easy for us to become a part of a narrative. either one that we tell ourselves, or that we let others tell about us. And it’s easy to get trapped there.

Young Avengers by Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie saw Backup-Loki-In-Kid-Loki’s body formulate the identity of New-New-Loki. Kid-Loki’s desire to do good was burdened by New-New-Loki’s struggle with his own nature and the guilt over the reasons for his own existence.

Loki’s tale is now being told by Al Ewing and Lee Garbett in Loki: Agent of Asgard. Loki performs missions in exchange for erasure of his past deeds.

It’s a simple story told in an epic manner. Trying to redefine yourself. Who you are. While the old you can rear their ugly head at any moment. We’re introduced to what appears to be the “Old Loki”:

But turns out to be New-New-Loki of a distant future. A Loki that seemingly proves that all of Loki’s work is for nothing.

Loki will always be Loki.

So many mainstream comics are marketed with the tagline “THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.” Few have dared to admit that no matter what you do, no matter how much you love this little cult hit, things will just revert to what they used to be in the end.

I Haven’t Changed All That Much

I wrote this in 2009 for some sort of Facebook chain letter type thing where I had to type in 25 things about me. 2009 Paul isn’t too different from 2014 Paul. I was probably a little smarter back then, but on the plus side, I HAVE seen Saving Private Ryan since writing this, so…accomplishment!

25 things, the product of the sleep patterns of the elderly

February 1, 2009 at 8:28am

1. Back in the day, while IM’ing several girls that I liked, each on a separate occasion told me how funny I was and that I should do stand up. However, I have crippling, crippling stage fright so thats out of the question. Also I’m very anti-social around people I don’t know. So if I could become a stand-up comedian through intant messaging, I’ll do it.

2. It would probably be a good gimmick. Some might call it “avant garde.”

3. Any big words I use, I’ve learned from comic books.

4. Comic book and pop culture facts have taken over most of the space in my brain. I was a really big history student in high school. I would finish my test first most of the time. Now? I can quote lots of obscure stuff and recommend films and shows that most people still won’t take the time to watch.

5. I like to believe that Robert Altman would have done an amazing superhero film if he ever considered it or had the chance.

6. Scorsese or Coppola, too. Especially Marvel characters. Angst and loneliness all around.

7. Films that people are shocked I’ve never seen: Saving Private Ryan, Braveheart, almost any film that was up for an Oscar in the 90s.

8. I never drank in high school and assumed that most of my friends didn’t.

9. I was very naive in high school.

10. Drunk me takes pride in the fact that when I get sick, I never leave a mess. Sober me quietly takes pride in this as well.

11. Cooking relaxes and excites me. Especially when I’m trying out a new recipe for a group of friends. I’d like to have a restaurant someday.

12. Moreso, I’d like to own a movie theater that completely rips off the conecpt of the Alamo Draft House. A theater that shows old, obscure movies as well as new releases, that serves food and beer while you view a film.

13. I think The Wire lives up to the hype.

14. Forrest Gump and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button are the same exact film. 2-3 hours of nostalgia and sentimentality with a gimmicked protagonist. And I was underwhelmed by both.

15. Like most of you did, I had a dream where I could fly as a child. It was so real. I wish I could have that dream again.

16. If I was a billionaire, I would put money into developing an Iron Man-type suit. I wouldn’t really want to fight crime myself, but on the other hand I would worry that the person I gave the suit to would turn evil.

17. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a pro wrestler.

18. I think I’d like to believe in a religion based on Neil Gaiman’s Sandman.

19. I am constantly disappointed by the lack of futuristic stuff that was seen in movies that took place in the 2000s. Where is my flying car, my robot butler, and my suit made of tin foil?

20. Catholic School wasn’t so bad. I didn’t mind wearing the same thing everyday.

21. I’m not good at keeping in touch.

22. I am easily distracted.

23. I don’t think Travis Bickle belongs on the AFI’s top villains list. They should have an anti-hero category. Douches.

24. I love the word “douche.”

25. I use ellipseses and expletives far too much in my writing. The 40 “fucks” Rob removed from the Frank and Barry script can attest to that.

That’s Okay With Me

There’s a misconception that The Simpsons and Family Guy are alike because they reference things. In fact, these days, nearly any show/movie/comic book that references another piece of work risks being labeled as Family Guy-style. Or is explained as “You know, like Family Guy.” Worse yet, someone pulls out “Family Guy-esque.” Yeah, you took a film class or two, Me (or person incredibly similar to me). You’re not that smart! Anyway, The Simpsons, and other works on that level pulled off references, or “allusions,” if you will with skill, precision, and purpose. The gag wasn’t based on you knowing the reference (South Park has shit on Family Guy far better than I ever could, so please view their “Cartoon Wars” episodes if you don’t know what I’m talking about). The gag was based on if it was funny or not, and if you got the reference, all the better for you. And if you didn’t get the reference, but learned it later at college while getting your head filled with literature and foreign films and naive political notions, well then BULLY FOR YOU! That made what The Simpsons writers had pulled off all the more impressive.

Why, Paul? Why are you going off on Simpsons and Family Guy and writing vaguely like a Dusty Rhodes promo on your blog about comics that you haven’t posted on in nearly a year?

Well.

It’s cause of Hawkeye. I know. Groan. Fart. We covered this in 20 other posts. But Hawkeye has expanded in scope in its second year. The first year focused on Hawkeye (Clint Barton), and what he did on his non-super hero-ing days. The creative team was headed up by writer Matt Fraction and artist David Aja, with Javier Pulido taking on issues 4&5. The second year has seen the book grow into almost two books (which will surely converge again into one), following both Barton, and his female protege Kate Bishop, with the focus alternating monthly. Also alternating monthly, are the art teams, with Aja telling Barton’s tale, and Annie Wu telling Bishop’s (Though Pulido got Kate’s tale going in the Annual).

Anyway, we’re talking about the Kate issues. The Annual, and issues 14 and 16.

This is from the second to last page in the Annual. I missed the reference at first, but then my friend Jeff pointed it out while we were geekily talking about issue 14 coming out. The cat with a taste for a specific brand of cat food is a call-out to Robert Altman’s The Long Goodbye starring Elliott Gould as Raymond Chandler’s Private Eye Phillip Marlowe.

The annual’s tease paid off with cat food aisle conversations in 14 and 16 between Kate and an unnamed P.I. that looks quite a bit like Mr. Gould did back in 1973.

Going back to the hippie women for a moment, they also happen to be dead ringers for Marlowe’s neighbors from the film. And maybe they have his cat? (“What do I need a cat for? I got a girl…”)

The latest issue also visually references the characters of Dr. Verringer and Roger Wade from the film, while also bringing in a bit of the parasitic relationship as well. Henry Gibson, who played Verringer in The Long Goodbye, is an easy visual shorthand for villain. Just ask Tom Hanks.

So why does it matter? How is this just not the same thing I derided Family Guy for, except for people who took a film class about the films of Kubrick and Altman? Because rather than dealing in the surface level of “We like the same things,” Fraction, Wu and Pulido are communicating through the reference. It’s part wink, part context, and for those not in on the references, part “Go check these books out at the library Reading Rainbow episode wrap-up” to get readers to take in the art that played a part in influencing this story.

Modern storytelling is constantly derided by lazy people across all mediums as “having been done before.” Well, good for you, enjoy your show about a carefully workshopped marketing construct masquerading as reality. Things have been done before yes, but sometimes there’s an art in acknowledging it, and maybe even in saying that we’re all trying to tell one big story. Yeah. That’s it. My wrap-up is that Fraction and Wu are bringing Altman’s Long Goodbye into the Marvel Universe. I can’t wait til Marlowe brushes off Thanos with a “That’s okay with me” as the Mad Titan wishes half the universe into non-existence one more time.

Going back to the series as a whole, though, it seems to be exploring many of the themes and storytelling techniques that were present in many of Altman’s films: Humanism. Non-conformity. Expansive messed up families. Overlapping dialogue. Telling a story from a dog’s perspective-no, wait. That one doesn’t really fit.

What I’m saying here (if I’m conveying anything coherently at all), is that Fraction and his many talented collaborators are telling a fantastic story, and they’re doing so using the paints, the ingredients, the whatever-metaphor-you-want-to-insert-here elements that make Altman films like The Long Goodbye great to make their story even more richer and satisfying.

2013

Prior to this year I hadn’t participated in any real physical activity since 1998. That’s the last year I played soccer, and it was followed by four years of doing the bare minimum in gym class, and many years of sitting on the couch and not going to the gym.

You could count how many times I went on one hand. Unless you’re missing fingers. Then you could count how many times I went on two hands. Unless you don’t have any hands at all, so then you should probably use your toes to co- I’m getting away from the point here. It was a minuscule amount of time.

Last year, my mother-in-law Michele asked the whole family to join her for a St. Patrick’s Day fun run. I agreed, but complained. To anyone who would listen. I would go on Jerry Seinfeld-ian routines about running and how crazy the idea of it was.

It was a 2 mile run and I shambled through it, only speeding up when my patience with slower “runners” in front of me wore thin. But I did it, and was satisfied that I got to have a few beers at the end.

But then Michele ran a half marathon. She ran a freaking half marathon. I was impressed, and dammit, I was inspired. So I decided to see what I could do.

I downloaded the Zombies Run training app on my phone in the beginning of April. This got me on a routine that got me used to running, and started me in training for a 5K. I then signed up for my first 5K through NYC Runs, the Firecracker 5K, which was held on the 4th of July on Roosevelt Island. I was joined by Michele as my coach, with her wife Colleen joining us as well, and my wife Chrystal waited at the finish line as our pit crew.

On that day TEAM BEER AND CUPCAKES* was formed. Michelle, Colleen and Chrystal got me through that first run, and have been a part of each subsequent run in one way or another, whether it was by running, or just providing pre-race advice over the phone.

I then did a race per month: The Brooklyn Bridge 5K, The Color Run (5K), Zombies Take Manhattan (5K), The Channukah Gelt 5K (aka The Oy Vey 5K), and The Hot Chocolate 10K. My sister Sara teamed up with me for The Color Run, the Oy Vey 5K and the Hot Chocolate 10K, joining TEAM BEER AND CUPCAKES, but also forming the team of “TEAM WHATEVER HILARIOUS NAME I WANT TO PUT ON FACEBOOK.”

I’m grateful to the people who’ve run with me this year and that have encouraged me to run this year. It’s something I’ve come to enjoy as a group activity — not only with my teammates but with the hundreds that have shown up for each run. I also appreciate running when I’m on my own. I’m just able to lose myself in it. It’s a good way to get away from everything and every ounce of stress disappears. I’m sticking with this. And whether you’ve run with me, or liked a photo of me running on Facebook, you’ve been a part of helping me to keep going. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I didn’t think I’d ever run in my free time let alone enjoy it.

Thank you, NYC Runs for organizing so many of the races I’ve done this year.

Thank you, Colleen and Sara for being awesome teammates. Sometimes I outpace you (usually when you’re injured), more often you outpace me, but you help me keep going!

Thank you, Chrystal, for being my wife, encouraging me, and making sure I have a big bottle of water and a smiling face at the end of each run.

Finally, thank you Michele. You really inspired me this year, and you’re the best coach I’ve ever had.

Here’s to 2014. There’s a lot of beer and cupcakes to run for, and a half marathon to tackle in about 6 months.

* Team Beer and Cupcakes celebrates a successful run with beer, cupcakes, or a combination of the two. These celebratory items are consumed in addition to making sure we re-hydrate with water.

the socially awkward malcontent

come in and know me better, MAN.

Author: pauldekams