The years spent on 60 Minutes hadn’t been enough. If only he had the full sixty minutes to himself.
Andy Rooney silently cursed Mike Wallace.
People just didn’t understand how things used to be. They didn’t understand how awful things were.
He needed to take action.
He stripped naked. It wasn’t hard, considering he was in a hospital gown. But he removed the gown and stepped into the pentagram he had painted on the cold tiled floor.
It looked perfectly. Exactly as it had been etched in the book. He hoped he would pronounce the incantation correctly. Did kids today worry about pronouncing things correctly? Probably not. What with their texting. And their LOL’ing. When he was a —
No. Stop. He couldn’t waste time with that. There would be an infinite amount of time if the spell succeeded.
He said the words.
He breathed his last breath.
And on November 4th, 2011, Andy Rooney’s spirit was dispersed across the world.
On November 5th, people across the world began to wonder aloud about “kids today” and “entitlement” and “how much better things were when they were younger.”
The spell worked. He didn’t need 60 Minutes anymore. He had 6 billion souls.
In the deepest darkest pits of those souls, Andy Rooney laughed.